how it all started
My husband bought me my first camera for my birthday in 2024.
I never could've imagined how much it would change my life.
But let's rewind before my camera became an obssession...
The first time I took my camera out of the house was to shoot one of my very best friend's elopement.
Automatic mode, not the greatest quality, but so glad I did it and they have something to look back on.
chelsa, a friend since 2nd grade
The second time I took my camera out was on a solo twelve-hour drive
to the Smoky Mountains.
I had a lot to think about and a desire not only to explore,
but to escape.
smokY Mountains in early spring, 2025
I had recently ended therapy because of insurance changes combined with the overwhelm, I just gave it up. Life with two kids and little support wore me down and I felt like I couldn't find my identity outside of motherhood. Not having my mom hurts but also is hard because of the practical reasons. She would've been an amazing grandma and would watch my kids if she was here...but also only if she wasn't married to a child abuser.
I recently bumped into my dad for the first time in ten years at the grocery store and we pretended not to see each other. My husband and I hurried to the checkout while I was mentally there and not, wavering in and out of the present.
We left, I wanted to drive. I saw the sunflower field, the sunset, and a f*cking rainbow across the street and couldn't help but be amazed by the contrast of the good and the bad in life. I pulled over and walked on the sunflower trail for ten minutes. That's all I needed before going home...and yes, we used a date night to go grocery shopping, talk about exciting stuff.
I pulled myself out of it. I smiled. I realized how brave I am and how much of a coward he is. I think something healed in that moment.
Shortly after that, I started getting more bookings. I'm not religious, superstitious, or someone who often says things like "this was my sign" but the alignment of my mental health improving, postpartum life slowly but surely fading back to the new normal, and a variety of opportunities.
This was my sign to do my thing. It was loud, and I'm still hearing it everyday.
Anyone who knows me knows I embody the capital H in ADHD. I told one of my best friends that I was shocked people are booking me that I've never met and she said something that stopped me.
She said I was the most motivated person she's ever met with every reason not to be. I laughed but then let it sink in and was like, wow, Richard (ye ole therapist) was right. I'm pretty f*cking resilient.
The doctor who assessed me at neuropsychology said she was amazed that I made such a stable life for myself after my experiences, also that my scores were higher than a lot of veterans with PTSD.
Rewind one more time:
My mom was diagnosed with cancer, had a stroke months after, died months after that.
some of my favorite photos of her,
before she became mom.
It was quick and terrifying. The stroke triggered the first flash backs of my dad's abuse so I moved out of their home a week later into an apartment I couldn't afford with a friend willing to help me escape. I missed out on a lot of the end of my mom's life because I needed to be away from my dad. I finally understood why I couldn't breathe in the same room as him, why I was always ready to run.
Of course I regret not having that time with my mom, but also it would've been literal hell seeing her moan in pain all the time. She was so unwell. It was scary and soul crushing. I was 25. I hope the next time I have the opportunity to say goodbye to someone I love that I'll be brave enough to stay in an unbearable place a little longer to squeeze every bit of love out. Wish I had my camera and some courage back in those days.
I started writing my memoir a few weeks before my mom was diagnosed and I finished it right before she died. Even though she wasn't all there mentally after the stroke, when I told her, I saw it register. That I wanted to tell the truth about our family. She was horrified. I wanted her to be proud but then I remembered: now she's implicated as complicit.
And that was the heart of all the trauma, the guilt to keep the family together or dare be the ripple to tear it apart. That was mine and her burden to carry. Our silence kept him out of prison.
I still love these photos
even though they hurt, too.
photo of me and my older sister
A lot of my family are estranged now, but I still have my younger sibling Ember in my life, albeit on the west coast. My older sister's mental health struggles combined with own, it didn't end well between us but I hope she's doing well. Maybe it's the trauma bond or the opposite, but we can't be in each other's lives. That will always hurt. But it keeps us safe.
I worked in restaurants, got promoted to kitchen manager, really hated that job.
I went on to become a sous chef elsewhere.
evidence of a very tired sous sam
Don't let the title fool you, I was just a glorified line cook just winging it for $12 an hour. I learned so many valuable life lessons in the service industry and saw more strangers f*cking than I'd imagined just trying to put food in a freezer (this did happen multiple times, yes).
I catered weddings too, which helped me learn the ebb and flow of wedding days. I was a barista at a college library, that taught me how much I hate small talk and how learning spaces in the community are so important. I made so many close friends as customers, I was even there long enough to see some start out and graduate. They helped me, whether they knew it or not, survive the days after my mom's death.
Big fast forward to now. I took my favorite hobby and incorporated it into everything I already loved doing. I hike with my camera, am my children's favorite paparazzi, and now work with camera as of 2026.
I made three human beings in five years.
I started my LLC a week before having my third child.
I learned videography in 15 days for back-to-back weddings.
I'm always all in.
And I'm more confident than ever that my hard work is paying off.
Thanks for reading, I hope to work my ass off for you someday.
